Making the time for it
The last few weeks have been uncommonly busy, but that’s not why I haven’t been posting. I could have made the time. I could have made the time for a lot of things. But I didn’t.
Teetering back and forth between stable practice and abandonment, a few days each… two steps forward, two steps back. I know ‘everything is progress’, but I just can’t see that right now. It’s what I know, not what I feel- but those two extremes are not dhamma either.
I’m telling you, I’m just so effing tired. What am I doing? Why? Sure, sure, I know why but really… what keeps me going now? It’s just habit energy carrying me through day-to-day. Without looking forward to those inspiring moments of realization, I just don’t know where I’m at.
I really hate to say it, but what’s my motivation? Enlightenment? Get real. You keep uncovering more and more layers, only to discover that there is no hollow core- there were no layers to begin with! Talk about disenchantment.
Confusion, delusion, hatred. I think I need to hit the books again. The suttas, I mean. Reading the actual (or close enough) words of the Buddha has always been inspiring- to go directly to the Buddha when all else fails, forehead touching the ground.
It’s nothing new, though it changes its face each time I come to it. I even have a category dedicated to this, which I call ‘Limbo‘. I’m just here. Doing what I’m doing. But wishing I can do something else doesn’t make it happen. Time to avoid avoidance.
Ah, doubt, disillusion…here are some words (that may or may not be helpful) from one of my teachers.
Just this, just this.
Doubt is an interesting topic… so useful as a meditative tool, and yet ultimately the source of so much suffering. Like starting a fire to put out a fire. Firemen do it all the time.
I find when I hit rock bottom emotionally, I can climb higher than before.
Go swimming. Get endorphins to pump you up!
michael j
I agree. It’s stimulating.
I don’t feel rock bottom though. More like there is all this energy and karma heaped and vibrating around me, through me… but since it’s infinite, it has nowhere to go. I feel a little… disappointed? Confused? No, I just can’t find a suitable word.
But you’re right, exercise does help. I have been running a lot.