Making the time for it
The last few weeks have been uncommonly busy, but that’s not why I haven’t been posting. I could have made the time. I could have made the time for a lot of things. But I didn’t.
Teetering back and forth between stable practice and abandonment, a few days each… two steps forward, two steps back. I know ‘everything is progress’, but I just can’t see that right now. It’s what I know, not what I feel- but those two extremes are not dhamma either.
I’m telling you, I’m just so effing tired. What am I doing? Why? Sure, sure, I know why but really… what keeps me going now? It’s just habit energy carrying me through day-to-day. Without looking forward to those inspiring moments of realization, I just don’t know where I’m at.
I really hate to say it, but what’s my motivation? Enlightenment? Get real. You keep uncovering more and more layers, only to discover that there is no hollow core- there were no layers to begin with! Talk about disenchantment.
Confusion, delusion, hatred. I think I need to hit the books again. The suttas, I mean. Reading the actual (or close enough) words of the Buddha has always been inspiring- to go directly to the Buddha when all else fails, forehead touching the ground.
It’s nothing new, though it changes its face each time I come to it. I even have a category dedicated to this, which I call ‘Limbo‘. I’m just here. Doing what I’m doing. But wishing I can do something else doesn’t make it happen. Time to avoid avoidance.